I wanted to be a lot of things during my adolescence: banana bread baker, dentist, teacher, music therapist, you name it. However, during my senior year of high school, I thought I had decided on MD--OB/GYN, to be exact. I grew up with society telling me that I could do anything I wanted, and my National Merit Finalist and high GPA seemed to be proof--if anyone could be a doctor, it was me.
Well, fast forward roughly two years. I was now enrolled at Wheaton College, an academically rigorous, faith-centered university. I was by no means failing any of my classes, but I was on the verge of losing a scholarship, a scholarship that was the reason my family could afford Wheaton's high tuition. It was crunch time, and it was time to reexamine my options. I had always known I wasn't a natural scientist. It was my nurturing nature and people-oriented mindset that had drawn me towards medicine, not the thrill of being able to take microbiology and organic chemistry. I knew I could significantly raise my GPA by not taking the pre-med science requirements, but I kept pushing onward, because I was terrified to admit that I couldn't do it.
I was the girl who had done everything: played eight instruments, balanced work with a social life and good grades, played sports, volunteered in church nursery, run a half-marathon, gone on missions trips, etc. I honestly couldn't think of something I'd ever wanted to do that I'd discovered I couldn't do. I was well aware that I couldn't swim to the bottom of the ocean or climb Everest (at least not without oxygen...), but, then again, I'd never wanted to.
But here I was, desperately wanting to be a doctor, and realizing it might never happen. I finally acknowledged that I wanted to be able to be a doctor more than I actually wanted to be a doctor. It was time to let go. But man, did I put up a fight. It seemed natural to fight against the part of me that screamed, "You're not cut out for this! Maybe this isn't your best option!"
After a few agonizing months, I allowed myself to do some secret Googling on becoming a nurse. I liked what I saw, especially when I discovered the nurse midwife program. I was even more excited when I found out I wouldn't need to take physics, which is my least favorite subject in the entire universe. A few more months later, and I worked up the courage to see the nursing advisor on campus. I stealthily changed my major on Facebook to "Pre-Health," not "Pre-Med." It wasn't pretty, but I was coming around.
I still gobble up medical documentaries like "NY Med" and medical dramas like "House," and my insides ache when I realize I won't be the one performing life-saving MacGyver-esque surgeries. But, it's not all about me growing up to be a hero. Certainly, nursing can also be a heroic career, but I had chosen doctoring as a profession primarily for its status and the awe it inspired in others.
I still wrestle with this on occasion. I'm no longer fighting with God, though--I'm choosing to let Him win, knowing that in the end, I'll come out a winner, too.
And I'm pretty confident that I'll be one B.A. nurse. (I may still have a little ego work to do.)
Optimistically,
Amy
